Should I Make a List?

Ann was about to marry the wrong man and deep in her heart she knew it. Here is her story.

When I was 19 years old I was engaged to a very handsome young man who was in the Marine Corps. We dated from a distance, and saw each other when he came home to visit his parents. During the Christmas holidays he asked me to marry him. I accepted, but it didn’t feel right in my heart. We began our wedding plans and were within 6 weeks of our wedding; everything was ready. One morning as I woke up I could hear the Lord speak to me. "Ann, I never told you that you could marry him." I quickly decided I couldn’t go through with the wedding unless the Lord confirmed to me that it was His will. Shortly after that our relationship ended. It was the right thing to do even though it was very painful. Since I knew that God would direct me, I decided I would only date a young man one time, and expect God to show me whether he was right for me. A friend of mine recommended that I make a list of things I wanted in my husband. I started my list with the things that were spiritually important to me. Next I listed my desire for children. I even listed that I wanted a man who enjoyed camping and drinking coffee. I wanted a husband with a sense of humor and one who liked to laugh. All of these were important to me. When I completed my list, I signed and dated it (April, 1977). I laughed and asked the Lord to create a miracle.
In August of 1977 I met Mike. He called me and took me to dinner. We had a great time and he told me the story of how he became a Christian. Mike mentioned that he had given his heart to the Lord in April. The next day was Sunday, and he was going to be baptized in water. I agreed to go. Before Mike was baptized he shared with the Church family the same story he had told me the night before. When he finished, the Lord said to me, "Ann this is your husband. Do you remember when you wrote all those desires for your husband on that piece of paper? That is the very time I saved him." I kept this a secret from Mike until the day he proposed to me. As I think back about the list that I wrote 30 years ago, Mike has all those qualities and more. I do believe that the Lord put those desires in my heart so I could make my list.

If you are single, making a list of the qualities of a person you would consider marrying will do at least two things for you. 1) It will help you be honest with yourself when you find yourself attracted to someone who your better judgment tells you wouldn’t be a suitable match. 2) It will help you sort out your fantasies and nail down the things that you would really ask God for. You may dream about a knight in shining armor, but if you aren’t willing to write that down and pray for it, it’s because you’ve recognized it as only a fantasy. If you don’t write down your fantasies, then when God sends you someone, you won’t measure them against your fantasies.

Gladys was exhausted after the end of an abusive marriage, but there was still hope in her heart for the future. She had three children and knew she was going to need a lot of help from God to keep going. People were praying for her to find another husband, but she didn’t want to be in another bad marriage. The first time she married, she wasn’t listening to God or even asking for His direction. She decided that if there was going to be a next time, she needed to know God was directing her. She made a list of the qualities she wanted in a husband. She prayed over her list and God eventually sent her a man who fit everything she had on her list. Clyde had two children from a failed marriage and had decided he would never marry again. People were praying for him to find another wife. Some mutual friends introduced Clyde and Gladys to each other. Life was challenging from the beginning with five small children between them, but with God’s help they made it. When Clyde passed away, they had raised the five children they started with and one more they had together. They enjoyed nearly 45 years of happy marriage.

Abel came to us and asked for help putting together a list. He said that he sometimes found himself attracted to women he knew would not make a suitable life partner. The list would help him stay focused and not pursue relationships that have no future. We talked about things like age, education, Christian commitment, and temperament. We also talked about compatibility with Abel’s family. His family identifies strongly with their ethnic heritage. Abel was the first member of his family to go to college and he is at home in varied cultural settings. He has had the opportunity to meet women from many backgrounds. To him, it is not essential that he marry a woman of his ethnicity, but we did conclude that it was important that he marry someone who could feel at home among his family members. Abel made his list. When we were done, he had a list of 7 or 8 items that seemed important.

Before you make a list, pray and commit yourself to God. Tell Him that you belong to Him and that you only want what He wants. (If this isn’t true, you haven’t truly committed yourself to God.)

If you are making a list, start by identifying things that will be essential and that cannot be negotiated. If you are a committed Christian, you should not consider marrying someone who is not. If you intend to be faithful in marriage, you shouldn’t give any thought to marrying someone who thinks that a marriage should be open to infidelity. If you expect to have children, you shouldn’t marry someone who plans not to (although there are many couples who would like to have children and cannot).

You can add to your list things that will either need to be a match or will require special consideration. For example, if you come from a family with a strong ethnic identity, you will have much in common with someone from the same ethnic group. If you marry someone outside your ethnic group it may still work, but you need to consider any special challenges that may be present. You also need to consider the impact on relationships with your family.

Make sure that there is going to be a decent relationship with your family. (If you do not receive love from your family, and your relationship with them has always been bad, you may ignore the impact of your family on your choice in a partner).

Make sure you include on your list, someone who will treat you with respect and someone who you respect. Respect for each other is one of the most important characteristics of a healthy marriage.

Character qualities, such as being kind, responsible, outgoing, or humorous, can go on your list and should be compatible with your personality. God may very well match you with someone who has strengths in areas you have weakness and may be weak in areas you are strong.

If you have preferences (tall, dark, blond, rich, etc.), make sure you understand that they are preferences. These probably don’t belong on your list. (Although Shirley prayed for a tall husband when she was a little girl, and that is the only explanation we have for the fact that I am about 7 inches taller than my father and am taller than any of my relatives.)
We all should grow in wisdom as we age, so you may want to go back to your list and make changes as you learn more about yourself. Once you marry, put that list away somewhere, completely commit yourself to your spouse, and give your whole heart to making your marriage thrive.

This post is an excerpt from Finding Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Head. The book is available here.

Stages in a Relationship

God made males and females different for a reason. He looked at the first man and could see he needed help from someone who was a little different from him. So He made a woman. Our differences are many. They will impact a dating couple frequently and a married couple every day of their lives. One wants to spend, the other wants to save. One wants to travel, the other wants to stick around home. One wants to turn the thermostat up, the other wants to turn it down.

We might see a male/female relationship go through these stages of attitudes toward our differences.

Blindness - When a couple is newly infatuated with each other, they tend to overlook many differences, think they are cute, or assume they will be dealt with later.

Annoyance - One of the great reasons not to marry too soon is to let some of the infatuation wear off so you can make a better decision about marriage. You may find that your differences begin to wear on each other. It will now take more maturity to develop your relationship, and more effort to find middle ground that you can both live with.

Acceptance - Life gets easier when you accept each other's personalities. It has always been more important to me than to Shirley to be on time when we go somewhere. It has always been more important to her to be completely prepared to go, even if it means being a little late. This was once a source of conflict and annoyance. In time, we learned to each accept what was important to the other. Through communication and negotiation we have found that we can work together and not be in conflict. I may tell her that I want to leave on a trip at 9:00, when I can really live with leaving at 10:00. If it is essential that we leave at 9:00 (or we will miss a flight, for example), we will talk about it more than once and I will ask her in advance what I can do to help her be on time.

Appreciation - I used to get annoyed at Shirley for being late when we left on a trip. She, in turn, would get annoyed at me when I would ask to borrow things she remembered to bring that I never would have thought of (fingernail clippers, chewing gum, lotion, etc.). I have learned to appreciate the thoroughness of her preparation. I think she has learned to appreciate my ability to plan a trip and know when we really need to leave.

If you are finding conflict over your differences you need to look closely at what your differences are. They may be meant to help you both. I once talked to a couple who had conflict over how to respond to a restaurant order that wasn't right. One wanted to complain and get it right. The other wanted to just eat what was given them and not worry about it. These are not right and wrong answers. The person who has an easy time living with a cheeseburger when they ordered a hamburger will one day need help confronting something that really does need to be fixed. The person who is great at confrontation will one day need help accepting things the way they are.

We were meant to help each other.

Margin in Relationships

Healthy relationships need margin! If Shirley and I had a blanket that barely came to the edges of our bed, we would be pulling it off of each other all night. With a blanket that comes to the floor on each side of the bed, we have margin that assures we will both stay covered all night.

Margin in relationships is created when people are willing to do more than they must - do more work, show more mercy, communicate more, and exercise more patience.

A 50/50 relationship will break down into disagreements over tiny details. We will argue over where my 50 ends and your 50 starts. It will further break down in times of illness or difficulty, because someone won't be able to fulfill their 50%.

Jesus taught: If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. (Matthew 5:41) At the time Jesus made this statement, a Roman soldier could force a person to carry the soldier's belongings for one mile. During the first mile, a person was only doing what they had to. On the second mile, they were serving willingly. Going the second mile in a relationship will give it life and strength.

I'm Pregnant! Should I Hurry and Get Married?

Sometimes a couple may think getting married is the only responsible act if they have gotten pregnant. This is only true if you can put the marriage on a solid foundation. This will take even more work than it would have if the couple had started right from the beginning. A bad marriage will not be in the best interest of the baby or the couple. Getting married doesn’t undo the wrong that was done in getting pregnant outside of marriage. God will forgive the past if you ask Him to, whether you get married or not. If you are pregnant and think you want to pursue marriage, go see a pastor or counselor together soon to get some help.

There are two other options that are better than bringing a child into a marriage that isn’t going to work.

Adoption is a loving and responsible option for a pregnant woman. This may be a difficult choice, but you can find compassionate people who will help you through the adoption process. You will be placing your child in the hands of someone who will be better able to care for it.

Another option is for the child to be raised by the more stable and responsible of the two parents, while the two break off their relationship. If there are other family members who will provide a network of support, this can work, but it is a difficult road. If you are raising a child as a single parent, here are some suggestions.

• Get active in church. You need the healthy network and your child needs to be close to intact families that are healthy.
• Be honest with your child. Children tend to repeat the mistakes of their parents unless they are trained to do otherwise. It may hurt your pride to admit to your child that what you did was wrong, but it is essential for them to understand the difference between right and wrong.
• Recognize that you have a primary responsibility for the care of your child. Raising a child is an important responsibility and is challenging even for a married couple. Realize that you may have to make some sacrifices to do a good job of raising your child. You may have to postpone some of your dreams.
• Be very careful about dating or bringing a step-parent into the family. You brought this child into the world. You should now put a high priority on raising him or her to the best of your ability. If this means deferring any further romance in your own life until the child is out of the house or out of college, so be it. If you pursue a serious relationship with someone while you are raising a child, make very sure the person you are considering is secure enough to show love and respect to you and your child(ren). Don’t let someone use kindness to your children as a trick to get to your heart. Look, pray, and think, long and hard before you get even a little serious with someone. The probability and the consequences of failure in marriage are higher if there are already children involved. Having said that, we know there are many beautiful examples of blended families and step parenting that have worked well.
• Use your support network without becoming overly dependent or neglecting your responsibilities. If you have parents who are willing to watch your child while you work, that may be a good alternative. If, on the other hand, they are willing to watch your child while you are frequently out running around with your old friends, you need to grow up and stay home with your child.
• Work out contact with the other parent in a way that preserves peace and safety for the child. Contact with both parents may benefit the child, but not if there is constant fighting and backstabbing between parents.

For a couple to stay together unmarried with a child they have had together is to invite turmoil and to confuse the child. You either need to be pursuing a healthy marriage, or you need to break it up and move on.

We don’t mention abortion as an option, because we believe it is always wrong.

Cohabitation

There are many people who imagine that cohabitation, living together without being married, is a good trial run for marriage and that it improves the likelihood of a successful marriage. This isn’t true. Couples who live together before marriage have a higher risk of divorce.

If you wait until you are legally married to live together, you will show each other clearly by your actions that you respect marriage and you respect each other. If you live together before marriage, you are more likely to develop habits of independence that will be hard to break even after you are married. These habits will weaken your marriage. Couples who live together before marriage have less motivation to develop the skills to resolve conflict than couples who have committed to each other for life.

The National Marriage Project’s study, “Should We Live Together” cites a variety of studies that indicate:

• Living together before marriage increases the risk of breaking up after marriage.
• Living together outside of marriage increases the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children.
• Unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness and wellbeing than married couples.

Good Movies, Bad Dates

If the only place that you have seen dating and courtship is in the movies, you have a head full of bad ideas. Here are some of the reasons that the things that make a movie dramatic, funny, or exciting are poorly suited to lay a foundation for a future marriage.

Mutual Respect – A movie is interesting when there is hostility or indifference between two people that suddenly blossoms into love. The audience is sometimes caught off guard, or they may feel the fulfillment of something they could see coming throughout the movie. Dating and courtship is healthy when a couple practices mutual respect from the beginning. Mutual respect is valuing the thoughts and feelings of the other person, even if they are different from yours.

Honest Communication – Movies are funny when there is miscommunication, lies, and phoniness that may or may not eventually get resolved. Dating and courtship is healthy when honest communication is practiced from the beginning. A Christian who believes that God is in control of their life has no reason to be phony.

Commitment – A movie is interesting when everyone is kept guessing on who is committed to whom. A dramatic, unexpected proposal makes a nice ending to a movie. In a healthy courtship, there should be no commitment at first, a limited commitment while a couple considers marriage, and a decision to marry that comes as no surprise.

Time – A movie needs to get over in a couple of hours, so things have to develop at a pretty fast pace. A healthy courtship needs time for both people to honestly evaluate the relationship.

Counsel – A movie is interesting when the couple and their friends and family all have differing ideas on who should be with whom. Courtship is healthy when trusted friends, pastors, or mentors agree that the relationship makes sense.

Confirmation – A movie is funny when there are lots of red flags that turn out not to matter. In real life, pay attention to the red flags! It is difficult enough to see clearly through the fog that emotions sometimes create for you. Don’t ignore warning signs. If you are seeing warning signs, back off, pray, and get some counsel from someone you trust.

Sexual Purity – Dramatic sexual encounters are often used to make a movie interesting. Many times in the movies a sexual encounter is shown as the turning point in a relationship, demonstrating that this is true love and that the couple is destined for a life of happiness together. Dating and courtship is healthy when a couple maintains sexual purity until they are legally married. This lays a foundation of trust and mutual respect.

Our book, Finding Your Christian Life Partner, has more to say on these important topics.

How Do You Handle Disagreement?

How do you respond when someone disagrees with you? This is a vital question if you are entertaining a life long relationship with someone. You can’t have a meaningful relationship with another human being without disagreeing about things. No two people are alike. No two people think alike. The big question is not whether you will disagree, but how you disagree.

Many people have a response to disagreement that short-circuits their ability to negotiate or have any meaningful communication. To put it in simple terms, if you are secure about who you are and what you believe, you can listen to someone with another opinion and respond rationally. If you are insecure, you may respond with anger, hurt, or withdrawal.

Check your heart and see if you respond in any of these ways to disagreement:

• Some people have been hurt and take disagreement as a personal attack.
• Some people have had unstable lives and have a strong need to control others. They view disagreement as a threat to their control.
• Some people have very low opinions of themselves. They view disagreement as evidence that they need to abandon their viewpoint.

If you are a person who has a difficult time responding to disagreement, you may think that you should limit close relationships to people who will always agree with you or people who you can control. You are wrong. You need to grow and become secure enough that you can have a close relationship with someone who disagrees with you. A good marriage, and any close relationship, requires healthy disagreements. Healthy disagreements require healthy people.