Stages in a Relationship
God made males and females different for a reason. He looked at the first man and could see he needed help from someone who was a little different from him. So He made a woman. Our differences are many. They will impact a dating couple frequently and a married couple every day of their lives. One wants to spend, the other wants to save. One wants to travel, the other wants to stick around home. One wants to turn the thermostat up, the other wants to turn it down.
We might see a male/female relationship go through these stages of attitudes toward our differences.
Blindness - When a couple is newly infatuated with each other, they tend to overlook many differences, think they are cute, or assume they will be dealt with later.
Annoyance - One of the great reasons not to marry too soon is to let some of the infatuation wear off so you can make a better decision about marriage. You may find that your differences begin to wear on each other. It will now take more maturity to develop your relationship, and more effort to find middle ground that you can both live with.
Acceptance - Life gets easier when you accept each other's personalities. It has always been more important to me than to Shirley to be on time when we go somewhere. It has always been more important to her to be completely prepared to go, even if it means being a little late. This was once a source of conflict and annoyance. In time, we learned to each accept what was important to the other. Through communication and negotiation we have found that we can work together and not be in conflict. I may tell her that I want to leave on a trip at 9:00, when I can really live with leaving at 10:00. If it is essential that we leave at 9:00 (or we will miss a flight, for example), we will talk about it more than once and I will ask her in advance what I can do to help her be on time.
Appreciation - I used to get annoyed at Shirley for being late when we left on a trip. She, in turn, would get annoyed at me when I would ask to borrow things she remembered to bring that I never would have thought of (fingernail clippers, chewing gum, lotion, etc.). I have learned to appreciate the thoroughness of her preparation. I think she has learned to appreciate my ability to plan a trip and know when we really need to leave.
If you are finding conflict over your differences you need to look closely at what your differences are. They may be meant to help you both. I once talked to a couple who had conflict over how to respond to a restaurant order that wasn't right. One wanted to complain and get it right. The other wanted to just eat what was given them and not worry about it. These are not right and wrong answers. The person who has an easy time living with a cheeseburger when they ordered a hamburger will one day need help confronting something that really does need to be fixed. The person who is great at confrontation will one day need help accepting things the way they are.
We were meant to help each other.
We might see a male/female relationship go through these stages of attitudes toward our differences.
Blindness - When a couple is newly infatuated with each other, they tend to overlook many differences, think they are cute, or assume they will be dealt with later.
Annoyance - One of the great reasons not to marry too soon is to let some of the infatuation wear off so you can make a better decision about marriage. You may find that your differences begin to wear on each other. It will now take more maturity to develop your relationship, and more effort to find middle ground that you can both live with.
Acceptance - Life gets easier when you accept each other's personalities. It has always been more important to me than to Shirley to be on time when we go somewhere. It has always been more important to her to be completely prepared to go, even if it means being a little late. This was once a source of conflict and annoyance. In time, we learned to each accept what was important to the other. Through communication and negotiation we have found that we can work together and not be in conflict. I may tell her that I want to leave on a trip at 9:00, when I can really live with leaving at 10:00. If it is essential that we leave at 9:00 (or we will miss a flight, for example), we will talk about it more than once and I will ask her in advance what I can do to help her be on time.
Appreciation - I used to get annoyed at Shirley for being late when we left on a trip. She, in turn, would get annoyed at me when I would ask to borrow things she remembered to bring that I never would have thought of (fingernail clippers, chewing gum, lotion, etc.). I have learned to appreciate the thoroughness of her preparation. I think she has learned to appreciate my ability to plan a trip and know when we really need to leave.
If you are finding conflict over your differences you need to look closely at what your differences are. They may be meant to help you both. I once talked to a couple who had conflict over how to respond to a restaurant order that wasn't right. One wanted to complain and get it right. The other wanted to just eat what was given them and not worry about it. These are not right and wrong answers. The person who has an easy time living with a cheeseburger when they ordered a hamburger will one day need help confronting something that really does need to be fixed. The person who is great at confrontation will one day need help accepting things the way they are.
We were meant to help each other.
posted by Rich Sexton | 4:01 PM
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