Should I Make a List?
Ann was about to marry the wrong man and deep in her heart she knew it. Here is her story.
When I was 19 years old I was engaged to a very handsome young man who was in the Marine Corps. We dated from a distance, and saw each other when he came home to visit his parents. During the Christmas holidays he asked me to marry him. I accepted, but it didn’t feel right in my heart. We began our wedding plans and were within 6 weeks of our wedding; everything was ready. One morning as I woke up I could hear the Lord speak to me. "Ann, I never told you that you could marry him." I quickly decided I couldn’t go through with the wedding unless the Lord confirmed to me that it was His will. Shortly after that our relationship ended. It was the right thing to do even though it was very painful. Since I knew that God would direct me, I decided I would only date a young man one time, and expect God to show me whether he was right for me. A friend of mine recommended that I make a list of things I wanted in my husband. I started my list with the things that were spiritually important to me. Next I listed my desire for children. I even listed that I wanted a man who enjoyed camping and drinking coffee. I wanted a husband with a sense of humor and one who liked to laugh. All of these were important to me. When I completed my list, I signed and dated it (April, 1977). I laughed and asked the Lord to create a miracle.
In August of 1977 I met Mike. He called me and took me to dinner. We had a great time and he told me the story of how he became a Christian. Mike mentioned that he had given his heart to the Lord in April. The next day was Sunday, and he was going to be baptized in water. I agreed to go. Before Mike was baptized he shared with the Church family the same story he had told me the night before. When he finished, the Lord said to me, "Ann this is your husband. Do you remember when you wrote all those desires for your husband on that piece of paper? That is the very time I saved him." I kept this a secret from Mike until the day he proposed to me. As I think back about the list that I wrote 30 years ago, Mike has all those qualities and more. I do believe that the Lord put those desires in my heart so I could make my list.
If you are single, making a list of the qualities of a person you would consider marrying will do at least two things for you. 1) It will help you be honest with yourself when you find yourself attracted to someone who your better judgment tells you wouldn’t be a suitable match. 2) It will help you sort out your fantasies and nail down the things that you would really ask God for. You may dream about a knight in shining armor, but if you aren’t willing to write that down and pray for it, it’s because you’ve recognized it as only a fantasy. If you don’t write down your fantasies, then when God sends you someone, you won’t measure them against your fantasies.
Gladys was exhausted after the end of an abusive marriage, but there was still hope in her heart for the future. She had three children and knew she was going to need a lot of help from God to keep going. People were praying for her to find another husband, but she didn’t want to be in another bad marriage. The first time she married, she wasn’t listening to God or even asking for His direction. She decided that if there was going to be a next time, she needed to know God was directing her. She made a list of the qualities she wanted in a husband. She prayed over her list and God eventually sent her a man who fit everything she had on her list. Clyde had two children from a failed marriage and had decided he would never marry again. People were praying for him to find another wife. Some mutual friends introduced Clyde and Gladys to each other. Life was challenging from the beginning with five small children between them, but with God’s help they made it. When Clyde passed away, they had raised the five children they started with and one more they had together. They enjoyed nearly 45 years of happy marriage.
Abel came to us and asked for help putting together a list. He said that he sometimes found himself attracted to women he knew would not make a suitable life partner. The list would help him stay focused and not pursue relationships that have no future. We talked about things like age, education, Christian commitment, and temperament. We also talked about compatibility with Abel’s family. His family identifies strongly with their ethnic heritage. Abel was the first member of his family to go to college and he is at home in varied cultural settings. He has had the opportunity to meet women from many backgrounds. To him, it is not essential that he marry a woman of his ethnicity, but we did conclude that it was important that he marry someone who could feel at home among his family members. Abel made his list. When we were done, he had a list of 7 or 8 items that seemed important.
Before you make a list, pray and commit yourself to God. Tell Him that you belong to Him and that you only want what He wants. (If this isn’t true, you haven’t truly committed yourself to God.)
If you are making a list, start by identifying things that will be essential and that cannot be negotiated. If you are a committed Christian, you should not consider marrying someone who is not. If you intend to be faithful in marriage, you shouldn’t give any thought to marrying someone who thinks that a marriage should be open to infidelity. If you expect to have children, you shouldn’t marry someone who plans not to (although there are many couples who would like to have children and cannot).
You can add to your list things that will either need to be a match or will require special consideration. For example, if you come from a family with a strong ethnic identity, you will have much in common with someone from the same ethnic group. If you marry someone outside your ethnic group it may still work, but you need to consider any special challenges that may be present. You also need to consider the impact on relationships with your family.
Make sure that there is going to be a decent relationship with your family. (If you do not receive love from your family, and your relationship with them has always been bad, you may ignore the impact of your family on your choice in a partner).
Make sure you include on your list, someone who will treat you with respect and someone who you respect. Respect for each other is one of the most important characteristics of a healthy marriage.
Character qualities, such as being kind, responsible, outgoing, or humorous, can go on your list and should be compatible with your personality. God may very well match you with someone who has strengths in areas you have weakness and may be weak in areas you are strong.
If you have preferences (tall, dark, blond, rich, etc.), make sure you understand that they are preferences. These probably don’t belong on your list. (Although Shirley prayed for a tall husband when she was a little girl, and that is the only explanation we have for the fact that I am about 7 inches taller than my father and am taller than any of my relatives.)
We all should grow in wisdom as we age, so you may want to go back to your list and make changes as you learn more about yourself. Once you marry, put that list away somewhere, completely commit yourself to your spouse, and give your whole heart to making your marriage thrive.
This post is an excerpt from Finding Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Head. The book is available here.
When I was 19 years old I was engaged to a very handsome young man who was in the Marine Corps. We dated from a distance, and saw each other when he came home to visit his parents. During the Christmas holidays he asked me to marry him. I accepted, but it didn’t feel right in my heart. We began our wedding plans and were within 6 weeks of our wedding; everything was ready. One morning as I woke up I could hear the Lord speak to me. "Ann, I never told you that you could marry him." I quickly decided I couldn’t go through with the wedding unless the Lord confirmed to me that it was His will. Shortly after that our relationship ended. It was the right thing to do even though it was very painful. Since I knew that God would direct me, I decided I would only date a young man one time, and expect God to show me whether he was right for me. A friend of mine recommended that I make a list of things I wanted in my husband. I started my list with the things that were spiritually important to me. Next I listed my desire for children. I even listed that I wanted a man who enjoyed camping and drinking coffee. I wanted a husband with a sense of humor and one who liked to laugh. All of these were important to me. When I completed my list, I signed and dated it (April, 1977). I laughed and asked the Lord to create a miracle.
In August of 1977 I met Mike. He called me and took me to dinner. We had a great time and he told me the story of how he became a Christian. Mike mentioned that he had given his heart to the Lord in April. The next day was Sunday, and he was going to be baptized in water. I agreed to go. Before Mike was baptized he shared with the Church family the same story he had told me the night before. When he finished, the Lord said to me, "Ann this is your husband. Do you remember when you wrote all those desires for your husband on that piece of paper? That is the very time I saved him." I kept this a secret from Mike until the day he proposed to me. As I think back about the list that I wrote 30 years ago, Mike has all those qualities and more. I do believe that the Lord put those desires in my heart so I could make my list.
If you are single, making a list of the qualities of a person you would consider marrying will do at least two things for you. 1) It will help you be honest with yourself when you find yourself attracted to someone who your better judgment tells you wouldn’t be a suitable match. 2) It will help you sort out your fantasies and nail down the things that you would really ask God for. You may dream about a knight in shining armor, but if you aren’t willing to write that down and pray for it, it’s because you’ve recognized it as only a fantasy. If you don’t write down your fantasies, then when God sends you someone, you won’t measure them against your fantasies.
Gladys was exhausted after the end of an abusive marriage, but there was still hope in her heart for the future. She had three children and knew she was going to need a lot of help from God to keep going. People were praying for her to find another husband, but she didn’t want to be in another bad marriage. The first time she married, she wasn’t listening to God or even asking for His direction. She decided that if there was going to be a next time, she needed to know God was directing her. She made a list of the qualities she wanted in a husband. She prayed over her list and God eventually sent her a man who fit everything she had on her list. Clyde had two children from a failed marriage and had decided he would never marry again. People were praying for him to find another wife. Some mutual friends introduced Clyde and Gladys to each other. Life was challenging from the beginning with five small children between them, but with God’s help they made it. When Clyde passed away, they had raised the five children they started with and one more they had together. They enjoyed nearly 45 years of happy marriage.
Abel came to us and asked for help putting together a list. He said that he sometimes found himself attracted to women he knew would not make a suitable life partner. The list would help him stay focused and not pursue relationships that have no future. We talked about things like age, education, Christian commitment, and temperament. We also talked about compatibility with Abel’s family. His family identifies strongly with their ethnic heritage. Abel was the first member of his family to go to college and he is at home in varied cultural settings. He has had the opportunity to meet women from many backgrounds. To him, it is not essential that he marry a woman of his ethnicity, but we did conclude that it was important that he marry someone who could feel at home among his family members. Abel made his list. When we were done, he had a list of 7 or 8 items that seemed important.
Before you make a list, pray and commit yourself to God. Tell Him that you belong to Him and that you only want what He wants. (If this isn’t true, you haven’t truly committed yourself to God.)
If you are making a list, start by identifying things that will be essential and that cannot be negotiated. If you are a committed Christian, you should not consider marrying someone who is not. If you intend to be faithful in marriage, you shouldn’t give any thought to marrying someone who thinks that a marriage should be open to infidelity. If you expect to have children, you shouldn’t marry someone who plans not to (although there are many couples who would like to have children and cannot).
You can add to your list things that will either need to be a match or will require special consideration. For example, if you come from a family with a strong ethnic identity, you will have much in common with someone from the same ethnic group. If you marry someone outside your ethnic group it may still work, but you need to consider any special challenges that may be present. You also need to consider the impact on relationships with your family.
Make sure that there is going to be a decent relationship with your family. (If you do not receive love from your family, and your relationship with them has always been bad, you may ignore the impact of your family on your choice in a partner).
Make sure you include on your list, someone who will treat you with respect and someone who you respect. Respect for each other is one of the most important characteristics of a healthy marriage.
Character qualities, such as being kind, responsible, outgoing, or humorous, can go on your list and should be compatible with your personality. God may very well match you with someone who has strengths in areas you have weakness and may be weak in areas you are strong.
If you have preferences (tall, dark, blond, rich, etc.), make sure you understand that they are preferences. These probably don’t belong on your list. (Although Shirley prayed for a tall husband when she was a little girl, and that is the only explanation we have for the fact that I am about 7 inches taller than my father and am taller than any of my relatives.)
We all should grow in wisdom as we age, so you may want to go back to your list and make changes as you learn more about yourself. Once you marry, put that list away somewhere, completely commit yourself to your spouse, and give your whole heart to making your marriage thrive.
This post is an excerpt from Finding Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Head. The book is available here.
posted by Rich Sexton | 9:30 PM
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7 comments
