I'm Pregnant! Should I Hurry and Get Married?

Sometimes a couple may think getting married is the only responsible act if they have gotten pregnant. This is only true if you can put the marriage on a solid foundation. This will take even more work than it would have if the couple had started right from the beginning. A bad marriage will not be in the best interest of the baby or the couple. Getting married doesn’t undo the wrong that was done in getting pregnant outside of marriage. God will forgive the past if you ask Him to, whether you get married or not. If you are pregnant and think you want to pursue marriage, go see a pastor or counselor together soon to get some help.

There are two other options that are better than bringing a child into a marriage that isn’t going to work.

Adoption is a loving and responsible option for a pregnant woman. This may be a difficult choice, but you can find compassionate people who will help you through the adoption process. You will be placing your child in the hands of someone who will be better able to care for it.

Another option is for the child to be raised by the more stable and responsible of the two parents, while the two break off their relationship. If there are other family members who will provide a network of support, this can work, but it is a difficult road. If you are raising a child as a single parent, here are some suggestions.

• Get active in church. You need the healthy network and your child needs to be close to intact families that are healthy.
• Be honest with your child. Children tend to repeat the mistakes of their parents unless they are trained to do otherwise. It may hurt your pride to admit to your child that what you did was wrong, but it is essential for them to understand the difference between right and wrong.
• Recognize that you have a primary responsibility for the care of your child. Raising a child is an important responsibility and is challenging even for a married couple. Realize that you may have to make some sacrifices to do a good job of raising your child. You may have to postpone some of your dreams.
• Be very careful about dating or bringing a step-parent into the family. You brought this child into the world. You should now put a high priority on raising him or her to the best of your ability. If this means deferring any further romance in your own life until the child is out of the house or out of college, so be it. If you pursue a serious relationship with someone while you are raising a child, make very sure the person you are considering is secure enough to show love and respect to you and your child(ren). Don’t let someone use kindness to your children as a trick to get to your heart. Look, pray, and think, long and hard before you get even a little serious with someone. The probability and the consequences of failure in marriage are higher if there are already children involved. Having said that, we know there are many beautiful examples of blended families and step parenting that have worked well.
• Use your support network without becoming overly dependent or neglecting your responsibilities. If you have parents who are willing to watch your child while you work, that may be a good alternative. If, on the other hand, they are willing to watch your child while you are frequently out running around with your old friends, you need to grow up and stay home with your child.
• Work out contact with the other parent in a way that preserves peace and safety for the child. Contact with both parents may benefit the child, but not if there is constant fighting and backstabbing between parents.

For a couple to stay together unmarried with a child they have had together is to invite turmoil and to confuse the child. You either need to be pursuing a healthy marriage, or you need to break it up and move on.

We don’t mention abortion as an option, because we believe it is always wrong.

Cohabitation

There are many people who imagine that cohabitation, living together without being married, is a good trial run for marriage and that it improves the likelihood of a successful marriage. This isn’t true. Couples who live together before marriage have a higher risk of divorce.

If you wait until you are legally married to live together, you will show each other clearly by your actions that you respect marriage and you respect each other. If you live together before marriage, you are more likely to develop habits of independence that will be hard to break even after you are married. These habits will weaken your marriage. Couples who live together before marriage have less motivation to develop the skills to resolve conflict than couples who have committed to each other for life.

The National Marriage Project’s study, “Should We Live Together” cites a variety of studies that indicate:

• Living together before marriage increases the risk of breaking up after marriage.
• Living together outside of marriage increases the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children.
• Unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness and wellbeing than married couples.

Good Movies, Bad Dates

If the only place that you have seen dating and courtship is in the movies, you have a head full of bad ideas. Here are some of the reasons that the things that make a movie dramatic, funny, or exciting are poorly suited to lay a foundation for a future marriage.

Mutual Respect – A movie is interesting when there is hostility or indifference between two people that suddenly blossoms into love. The audience is sometimes caught off guard, or they may feel the fulfillment of something they could see coming throughout the movie. Dating and courtship is healthy when a couple practices mutual respect from the beginning. Mutual respect is valuing the thoughts and feelings of the other person, even if they are different from yours.

Honest Communication – Movies are funny when there is miscommunication, lies, and phoniness that may or may not eventually get resolved. Dating and courtship is healthy when honest communication is practiced from the beginning. A Christian who believes that God is in control of their life has no reason to be phony.

Commitment – A movie is interesting when everyone is kept guessing on who is committed to whom. A dramatic, unexpected proposal makes a nice ending to a movie. In a healthy courtship, there should be no commitment at first, a limited commitment while a couple considers marriage, and a decision to marry that comes as no surprise.

Time – A movie needs to get over in a couple of hours, so things have to develop at a pretty fast pace. A healthy courtship needs time for both people to honestly evaluate the relationship.

Counsel – A movie is interesting when the couple and their friends and family all have differing ideas on who should be with whom. Courtship is healthy when trusted friends, pastors, or mentors agree that the relationship makes sense.

Confirmation – A movie is funny when there are lots of red flags that turn out not to matter. In real life, pay attention to the red flags! It is difficult enough to see clearly through the fog that emotions sometimes create for you. Don’t ignore warning signs. If you are seeing warning signs, back off, pray, and get some counsel from someone you trust.

Sexual Purity – Dramatic sexual encounters are often used to make a movie interesting. Many times in the movies a sexual encounter is shown as the turning point in a relationship, demonstrating that this is true love and that the couple is destined for a life of happiness together. Dating and courtship is healthy when a couple maintains sexual purity until they are legally married. This lays a foundation of trust and mutual respect.

Our book, Finding Your Christian Life Partner, has more to say on these important topics.

How Do You Handle Disagreement?

How do you respond when someone disagrees with you? This is a vital question if you are entertaining a life long relationship with someone. You can’t have a meaningful relationship with another human being without disagreeing about things. No two people are alike. No two people think alike. The big question is not whether you will disagree, but how you disagree.

Many people have a response to disagreement that short-circuits their ability to negotiate or have any meaningful communication. To put it in simple terms, if you are secure about who you are and what you believe, you can listen to someone with another opinion and respond rationally. If you are insecure, you may respond with anger, hurt, or withdrawal.

Check your heart and see if you respond in any of these ways to disagreement:

• Some people have been hurt and take disagreement as a personal attack.
• Some people have had unstable lives and have a strong need to control others. They view disagreement as a threat to their control.
• Some people have very low opinions of themselves. They view disagreement as evidence that they need to abandon their viewpoint.

If you are a person who has a difficult time responding to disagreement, you may think that you should limit close relationships to people who will always agree with you or people who you can control. You are wrong. You need to grow and become secure enough that you can have a close relationship with someone who disagrees with you. A good marriage, and any close relationship, requires healthy disagreements. Healthy disagreements require healthy people.

Where to Meet a Marriage Partner

How and where you meet someone will set the stage for what happens next. Let’s compare three ways of meeting a person of the opposite sex.

Your social network – This includes meeting a friend of a friend, or meeting someone at church, some group activity, work, etc.
Bars and dance clubs – Striking up a conversation with a stranger in a setting where people are expecting to meet strangers.
Internet dating – Meeting a stranger through internet match making services or chat rooms.

I believe a healthy relationship is one where there is honesty and mutual respect, and where marriage is honored by withholding commitment and sexual intimacy until the wedding day.

Now let’s score these three ways of meeting someone, considering features that may determine whether the relationship starts in a healthy way.

Initial Attraction – Physical attraction is important to the initiation of a relationship between a man and a woman. However, a relationship is more likely to be healthy if it is based on a balance between physical attraction and interest in a person’s character and personality. Picking up someone at a bar is based almost purely on physical attraction. On the internet, your initial attraction will be based more on a person’s personality as it comes across in writing. In your social network, your attraction will be based on a more balanced and complete understanding of who a person really is. If 10 is a perfect score here, my scoring would go like this:
Social Network – 9
Bars and Clubs – 2
Internet Dating – 4

Healthy Order – A relationship will be healthier if people get to know each other before they begin to consider romantic possibilities. It will also be healthier if they don’t make any commitments prematurely and if they postpone sexual activity until marriage. Your social network gives you the advantage of getting to know someone as a friend or associate before you ever have to consider romantic possibilities. The bar may have you thinking of romance before you know a thing about the other person. This obviously sets the stage for shallow, short-term relationships. Internet relationships vary in their order of development, but are hindered because you only get to know what a person chooses to reveal about their self. My scores:
Social Network – 10
Bars and Clubs – 1
Internet Dating – 3

Honesty – The more you know about a person you meet, the more they are likely to be honest with you. Dishonesty at the outset of a relationship will either destroy the relationship later, or it will damage the trust between two people. Internet relationships are famous for dishonesty. People lie on the internet about their age, their weight, their career, and their marital status. The bar doesn’t favor honesty either, but at least you can confirm something about how the person looks. Your social network provides information from a variety of sources and fosters honesty from the beginning of a relationship. I think we’re seeing a pattern in the scoring.
Social Network – 10
Bars and Clubs – 4
Internet Dating – 2


Confirmation – As human beings, we can be pretty foolish in the area of relationships. There is an important benefit as a relationship develops in finding confirmation from friends and family that the relationship makes sense. The more people that know both of you well, the more confirmation you will have available to you. In your social network, you will have many more people that know you both and can offer an unbiased perspective. (Though there may also be some biased and unhelpful input.) The bar scene may offer some mutual friends who can help. The internet offers the least help in this area.
Social Network – 9
Bars and Clubs – 2
Internet Dating – 1

My scoring is completely subjective from someone who strongly favors life-long, solid relationships with trust and mutual respect over shallow, short-term relationships. But, here are the totals:
Social Network – 38
Bars and Clubs – 9
Internet Dating – 10

By the way, Rutgers University’s National Marriage Project has found:

"The most likely way to find a future marriage partner is through an introduction by family, friends, or acquaintances."

You can check it out at their website: http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/pubtenthingsyoungadults.htm

Trust and Sex

We Need Trust

The human heart wants to trust a partner of the opposite sex and wants to know that their relationship is exclusive. The human heart gets hurt when we think we have an exclusive relationship and find that our partner has “cheated”.

Irrational Expectations

Humans, though, can be irrational with this desire in two ways.

1. John feels hurt that his wife cheated on him, even though he has been unfaithful himself.

2. Julie has been having sex with Mike without ever discussing commitment. They have never defined their relationship. She is shocked and hurt, though, to learn that Mike has also been having sex with Gina.

It’s reasonable to expect a relationship to be exclusive when you have made a commitment to each other and you are being faithful to that commitment yourself. It’s irrational to expect that a relationship is exclusive when no commitment has been offered or even discussed. It’s also irrational to expect faithfulness if you are unfaithful.

Trust is Earned

Trust in an exclusive relationship satisfies a deep desire in our heart. Trust, though, is based largely on how people have behaved toward each other.

If you have sex on the first date, you will have shown each other that it takes very little to get you in bed. You will have a very hard time trusting each other. You will be the ones checking each other’s cell phones and email.

If you don’t have sex until you are married, you will have shown each other that you only have sex with someone you are married to. You will enjoy a solid foundation of trust from the beginning.

Imagine a meter where “0” represents sex on the first date and “10” represents purity until the honeymoon. Maybe "5" represents waiting until the relationship is pretty serious and "7" represents waiting until you're engaged. The trust in your relationship will start at the point you choose. It can go up or down from there, but it will take time to change it very much.

What Makes Marriage Work?

I believe that many people imagine the primary purpose of marriage is to make them happy. Marriage can make you happy, but only if you are pursuing higher goals than mere personal happiness. Jesus gave us a lot of insight in a few words in Matthew 19:4-6:

"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

This shows us that marriage will be our deepest human relationship. For two to become one, they are both going to have to be unselfish and deeply committed to one another. It is going to take a lot of work and sacrifice.

Jesus also shows us that God considers Himself the author of marriage and needs to be at the center of it. Marriage can be tough, and I don’t believe we were meant to tackle it without God’s help. A couple that doesn’t know how to pray together, serve together, and grow together, will have a hard time making marriage work.

We can also see that marriage is a life long covenant. No one should approach it unless they are ready to commit themselves to it for the rest of their life.

Marriage is great. But a reckless approach to it can produce heartache that can last a long time and can be passed on to the next generation.

Our book Finding Your Christian Life Partner, is intended to help singles take a successful approach to finding the right person and building a relationship that will eventually result in a healthy marriage. Ordering information is available at: http://www.lulu.com/content/215361

Can Trust Be Rebuilt?

Is trust freely given, or is it earned? The answer is yes, both. In many relationships you start with assumed trust, but trust is only maintained and strengthened based on trustworthy behavior.

What if trust has been violated? Can it be rebuilt? Yes, it can. The rebuilding will take these four things:

1. Genuine repentance by the one who broke trust. This means honestly recognizing that what they did was wrong, and choosing not to do it again. If a man is unfaithful to his wife, or a woman is unfaithful to her husband, and the unfaithful one is offering excuses for their behavior, they have not yet taken responsibility for it. A person has genuinely repented when they can admit that what they did was wrong, without offering an excuse or trying to blame someone else.

2. Forgiveness from the one whose trust was broken. Forgiveness is not the same as trust, but you will have to forgive before you can begin to rebuild trust. Forgiveness is a choice to let go of the anger, bitterness, and resentment you feel. Christians are commanded to forgive. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13) Because many things can trigger our feelings, you may find that you have to let go of your bitter feelings more than once. As you choose to let go of bitter feelings, the grip they have on you will grow weaker.

3. An acceptance of greater scrutiny of the one who broke trust. In a healthy, well-established relationship you wouldn’t expect a lot of scrutiny. Someone who has recently been unfaithful, though, should expect and accept more questions and checking of your truthfulness. This is part of the rebuilding process. If you take offense at those extra questions, you have not really taken responsibility for what you have done. If your heart has genuinely changed, other people can only see your changed heart by your changed behavior. This will take some time, so give them the time to see the change. Let them look as closely as they need to without complaining that you aren’t being trusted.

4. A willingness of the injured one to trust again. People do change. You are stuck in the past if you assume that a person who hurt you before will definitely hurt you again. You cannot have trust if you don’t give it the opportunity to be rebuilt. If you keep returning to the pain of the past, you cannot escape it. You will also be stuck in the past if you connect minor offenses in the present (He left his dirty socks on the bedroom floor) with major offenses of the past (He cheated on me).

Give it time. Genuine trust will not be rebuilt overnight, but it can be rebuilt. A couple with rebuilt trust may even find that they have a depth in their relationship that they never had before.

WHAT SHOULD "DATING" LOOK LIKE?

The term "dating" is used in many ways in America. Two kids in middle school who have decided they like each other (but whose parents would never let them go anywhere together) may say they are dating. Two drunken strangers who end up in bed together may call the practice dating. Many Americans’ only close up views of dating have come from watching movies. Unfortunately, most of the things that make a romantic movie dramatic are bad for the development of a healthy relationship.
The first thing you want to do before getting serious with anyone is get to know them. This is why meeting a friend of a friend at a church function is better than finding a match through an internet dating service. If you meet someone in a natural setting you can get to know them before you think of them as a possible match. If you meet someone through an internet dating service, you are considering romantic possibilities before you have gotten to know the person, and you will both be tempted to put on a false front. The importance of getting to know another person makes bowling with a group of friends a better "date" than the two of you going to a movie.
You should not allow a relationship to get serious without lots of communication. Talk about your intentions and expectations. We live in a culture steeped in shallow short-lived relationships. If you want to build a deep, lasting relationship, you are going to have to explain your expectations.
Honor God’s plan for marriage before you are married. Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (Hebrews 13:4) Physical intimacy and complete commitment must be reserved for marriage. A couple who becomes sexually involved before marriage will damage their communication, their trust for each other, and their ability to hear from God when they need Him most.

Ready for a Serious Relationship?

Internet dating services make things sound pretty easy. Give them a few minutes and a few bucks and they’ll find you a soul mate. You’ll be all set to live happily ever after. Unfortunately, many singles in America aren’t healthy enough to pursue a serious relationship, don’t understand why God made us male and female, and take a reckless approach to dating that produces heartache.

HEALTHY ENOUGH? – Here are some qualities you’ll need to build a solid relationship that results in marriage.

Committed to Christ – No one was intended to try anything as complex as marriage without the Lord’s help.

Stable as a Single – If you are desperate to be married, you aren’t ready for it. A person who is starving doesn’t concern himself with making wise nutritional choices. To build a meaningful relationship, you need to get to know someone well enough to judge whether this is a person you should marry. If you are desperate to marry, you won’t be able to make that judgment. The key to becoming stable as a single is in nurturing your relationship with God. The stronger you are in Him, the more stable you will be. You will be able to trust God for the right time and circumstances to be married.

Financially Stable – Okay, maybe very few people really feel financially stable. But you need to have enough control of your finances that you aren’t looking for marriage to solve your financial troubles. We know that people sometimes marry for financial stability, but we think it is a very poor motive. If financial gain is one of your motives for marrying someone, your view of the relationship will be distorted.

Emotionally Whole – If you are carrying hurt from the past, it will sabotage your future relationships. You will overreact to small hurts in the future, because they remind you of big hurts you are carrying from the past. Your hurt can be healed if you let God pour His love on you and if you forgive those who have hurt you. Receiving God’s love is not a one time experience. In prayer, Bible study, and worship, you need to regularly be reminded of His love. When you understand His great love, it will overshadow and heal your hurt from the past.

Forgiven – If you are carrying guilt from the past, it will damage your ability to relate to anyone now. God promises to remove from us the power and the penalty of all our past sins. As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. (Psalm 103:12)

Free of Life Controlling Habits – If you are controlled by Drugs, Alcohol, Tobacco, Gambling, or Pornography, and you are trying to get serious with someone, you are likely to take one of four unhealthy courses.
1) You may ask someone else to put up with your bad habits, sacrificing a relationship of mutual respect for one of co-dependence,
2) You may find someone who wants to be your caretaker, rather than seeking a healthy relationship themselves,
2) You may try to cover up the problem, becoming a liar to people who matter to you most, or
3) You may seek out someone who is controlled by the same things you are, making it twice as hard for either of you ever to be set free.
If you are thinking that a relationship with someone is going to give you the strength to quit the things that control you, you are taking an unfair approach to the relationship. You need to get free of your life-controlling habits before you consider a serious relationship with anyone.

You can be healthy, but you'd be making a mistake pursuing a serious relationship if you aren't.

New Book for Christian Single Adults

My wife and I are concerned that many single adults are eagerly pursuing relationships with the opposite sex while many may:

• Not understand the real purpose of male/female relationships,
• Lack some of the qualities and skills needed for a serious relationship, and
• Have flawed ideas of how to build a relationship.

We have written a new book, Finding Your Christian Life Partner, a Guidebook for Christian Singles. The purpose of the book is to encourage Christian singles to make wise choices that will lead to a successful marriage.

The book describes:

• God’s purpose for marriage,
• The qualities a person needs for a serious relationship,
• How to find the right person,
• How to build a healthy relationship, and
• How to know you are ready for marriage.

The book is available for purchase at www.lulu.com/RichardSexton

We based the book on Biblical principals, on our 25 years of pastoral experience, and on our own 35 years of happy marriage.

Singles Retreat

We have a retreat for single adults coming up May 19-21, at Ghormley Meadows in Washington State. You can get the details at http://www.christianlifepartner.com/catalog.htm.
This will be a good opportunity to relax, visit with others, and talk about principles of building a healthy relationship.